Have you ever been struck so confused by someone else’s actions that you’re just speechless? Well today I’ve had such an experience, and I have to say, that the place I was in emotionally was so amazingly strange that I just stood there, still able to function, make decisions and speak but not quite “all there”. As in fully “me”. I was taken outside of myself and I now know the sequence of events as they unfolded, as innocuous as they seemed in the beginning, were all a part of a divine set of instructions given to me to carry out in the order in which they happened; to lead me to that moment of calm confusion.
I have to give credit to a divine intervention of some kind for this strange pairing of feelings and mental state as I would not have otherwise taken the steps, that I’d taken today, without some prodding from a particularly outspoken elder. Of course being unable to talk back to said elder I listened intently. Frustrated and nearly in tears, that primal urge to hang up the phone arose within me to stop short of what felt like the front of my skull flying off of my head kinda like watching your own hubcap roll past you on the highway.
Later, when I’d collected myself a bit more but not completely I asked myself, how can I make this into a writing exercise? Maybe I can use this event, and how I work through it, as a model for how I address writer’s block in the future. Maybe this can be a part of my series on Character creation and I can give it a name like, Larry or something. Even now I’m struggling to shake that feeling. Maybe I’m hungry or thirsty? I’ll eat in a minute. But for now I want to sit with this and experiment with my own ability to bounce back or not from something that causes this level of WTF!? I’ve noticed that I’m trying to understand this level of bull@#$%, and that my friends, is a massive mistake. This is a lesson that I’d learned long ago so listen closely- you can not, I repeat, you can not understand bull@#$%. I don’t care how smart you are or how many Lean Six Sigma belts you have, it won’t happen so, don’t try. There, problem solved.
Is the confusing thing still a thing? Yes, but my headache is gone. It’s no longer my self-imposed responsibility to untangle the web I did not weave. However, I can call it “Larry” and assign it a poor posture and a genuine fear of success while it struggles daily to be just beyond mediocre. That helps. The confusing thing is less confusing this way pretending that it’s not the result of powerful forces beyond my comprehension colliding in my presence but instead just a he or she or they fully fallible and able to be defeated. There’s no “ending” to this segment at least not one that will satisfy you because we live here in the “What if” not the WTF. To be every searching, listening and recording. Your Larry awaits you out there when your to-do list is long and the kids are screaming but embrace that moment. There’s something to learn.
As always, all feedback is welcome so feel free to comment in this Judgement Free zone!